About to run

When you were a kid, did you ever threaten to run away from home? Did you pack your bag and make it to the end of the block, or go camp out at the neighborhood park for a few hours before slinking back home in time for dinner? In either situation, the idea probably disappeared as quickly as it came. That’s not the case for some children and teens.

Parents with children who threaten to run away are not bad parents, nor are they alone. The National Runaway Safeline reports that between 1.6 million and 2.8 million youth in the United States run away each year.

Luckily, there are steps parents can take to identify the risks and act before the bags are packed.

Reason to run?

There are many reasons why kids threaten to run away. Most often, they’re looking to gain power over a situation they feel they can't control. Running away may seem like a quick solution to a negative situation.

“The allure of running away, whether it is an 8-year-old or a 16-year-old, is that there is freedom on the other side,” said Vivian Pinner, LMHC, a licensed mental health counselor at Baptist Behavioral Health. “They don’t think they have any other option but to flee. If we can help them identify other choices or actions, they might feel like they can do something about it and stay.”

While abuse is a top reason why children and teens run away, it is not the case in every situation. Sometimes, kids run away from responsibility, such as school or a very authoritative parent. Other times, they run away because of a lack of acceptance or because they’re engaging in drug and alcohol abuse. In some cases, children and teens even threaten to run away as a form of manipulation to get what they want from their parents.

Know the difference

Wanting to and even attempting to run away is a common power move among strong-willed children and teens. Running away isn’t the goal; getting control is.

But there is a difference between storming off down the driveway and seriously planning to or actually running away.

When children make frivolous threats to run away, parents should respond by staying calm and reaffirming their love. Let them know you don’t want them to run away and that they would be deeply missed if they chose to do so.

If a child or teen is seriously considering fleeing, that decision is usually not out-of-the-blue. At-risk youth will typically act out in extreme ways or display defiant behaviors for years leading up to runaway threats or action. Key indicators that a child or teen may be thinking about running away include:

• Changes in their typical mood or behavior
• Self-harm
• Increase in reckless behavior and/or rule-breaking
• Developing new relationships with high-risk peer groups
• Saving money or keeping belongings packed up for no apparent reason

Prevention begins with family

Children who are thinking about running away may not have adequate problem-solving skills to work through their issues. There also may be a lack of parent-child communication. Whatever the underlying problem may be, it’s important for parents to make sure their children are supported and have healthy coping skills to deal with their problems besides running away.

“If a parent already sees defiant or high-risk behaviors in his or her child, the most important thing he or she should do is set limits while still keeping an open relationship,” said Pinner. “Your goal is to listen to your child’s issues and teach logical problem-solving skills. Instead of avoiding the situation or making impulsive choices, teach your child to evaluate the consequences of his or her actions and develop a clear formula for solving problems.”

When children are in an irrational state, parents should first help them calm down. Instead of asking them how they are feeling, ask instead about what they are thinking. Empower children to work through the hard stuff by separating emotion from logic.

Parents can teach children the following steps to problem-solving:

• Identify the problem.
• Develop at least 5 possible solutions.
• Review the pros and cons of each situation.
• Pick the best solution possible.
• Test the solution.

“If a family can show each other acceptance and unconditional love and be open to communication and solving problems together, then we’ll have fewer children who feel defeated and like they need to escape,” said Pinner. “In a supportive home, parents can help children own, process and solve their own problems. They can raise responsible children who can go out into the world and take care of themselves.”

If your child or teen is at risk of a mental health crisis, Wolfson Children’s Hospital is here for you. Call 904.202.7900 for our confidential 24/7 Kids & Teens Helpline, staffed around-the-clock by trained mental health experts who provide emergency telephone support and assessment, crisis stabilization information and referral to follow-up care, if needed. You can also text LIFE to 741741 to speak with someone immediately. For more information about resources for struggling youth, visit WolfsonChildrens.com/services/behavioral-health.